In times of crisis and isolation, there’s always a need for good memories. We fans of Chelsea FC have a plethora of exciting moments and historical landmarks, post-2003 of course. Inspired by the works of Monty Python and Adam Sandler, I bring to you lucky readers my top five Chelsea transfers of all time. Be warned: this list is a masterpiece of countless hours of investigation and deduction, and will certainly make even the likes of Donald Trump burst out in tears of joy and remembrance.

To start off the list in fifth place, I bring you none other than Wallace Oliveira. This machine was signed for a measly $6 million dollars in 2012, which is the same year we won our most coveted trophy, the FA Cup, for the 7th time – lucky number seven! Wallace Oliveira unfortunately did not take part in our road to FA Cup glory, but was here for part of our 2012/13 season. Despite his unique playstyle and clinical nature, he flew under the radar for most, if not all, Chelsea fans throughout his journey at this club. The greatest record Wallace had, however, was that he never lost a single game at Chelsea. How is this possible, you ask? Don’t ask me; ask Rafa, Jose and the rest of the managers he had for never playing him.

Credit: Kristen

In fourth place, we have Alvaro Morata. This Spanish superstar was bought from Real Madrid in 2017 for the small price of $72 million. He was an integral part of our 2017/18 season where he netted 11 goals in 31 league games, which is quite good for a newcomer to the league. Despite his prowess and goal-getting manner, people still argue he was a major flop. Some mention that 11 goals are not enough for a starting striker and that he was not at all clinical. To those people, I implore you to understand that just two years before Morata’s arrival we were in tenth place, so surely his contributions greatly helped us get top four, not just for his first season, but his second season with us as well. Let it be known to the people who are not “Morata Forever” that Morata, with the help of Coronavirus, ended Liverpool’s chances of winning the Premier League and the Champions League, and that is something not even the great Messi can say. Therefore, he easily earns a place on this list at a comfortable top four finish.

In third place, we have the Colombian international, Juan Cuadrado. Cuadrado was our replacement for Andre Schurrle, and was definitely worth the meager $30 million for his services. He was a very quick and exuberant player, similar to a more antique and memorable version of Mbappe. His importance was evident in one of our best seasons under Jose Mourinho, as we finished the season at an acceptable tenth place. Unfortunately, Cuadrado was then played around the football loaning sphere like a beach volleyball, until he was finally served onto Juventus’ bench. Cuadrado’s addition to Chelsea signifies the brilliance of our signings that we made during the mid-2010s, and thus earns his spot in third place.

Credit: Kristen

This may offend a few profound supporters living in a certain place called Monaco, but Bakayoko unfortunately did not make first place, and for good reason. Yes, Bakayoko was a monster in midfield with his luscious blue hair and nimble legs, but he was still nowhere near the same level as our best transfer, whom I will address shortly. His transfer to Chelsea is now infamous in the eyes of rivals, as they realized they could have easily won the league had Bakayoko joined them for a small fee of £40 million sterling. Unbeknownst to those rivals, Tiémoué was actually quite a player in Ligue 1, where he played alongside a young Mbappe, Bernardo Silva, and even the legendary Carvalho (maybe). Chelsea fans remember Bakayoko for his great resilience during the 4-1 loss vs. Watford, where he was the only one to remain cool and composed. Unfortunately, he has now joined the loan army to make room for the greatest player in our generation to grace the pitch, Billy Gilmour.

On the top of the podium, we have the greatest, most complete, most valuable player of them all, who is none other than Daniel Noel Drinkwater. Danny was one of the legendary players in Leicester’s golden generation that won the league. Luckily for us, Roman did us good by purchasing him the next year along with some random player named N’Golo Kante. Drinkwater certainly did drink a lot of water at his time at Chelsea, as he had a lot of time on the bench watching his friend N’Golo put in disaster class after disaster class. Recently, however, Drinkwater’s name has come up again for tussling with his Aston Villa teammates and wreaking havoc at other London clubs. Much like Alvaro Morata and David Luiz, he is doing the dirty work of ruining our rivals from the inside, even with snakes like John Terry attempting to stop him. Although his work is much appreciated by fans, some special few still think paying him a hundred thousand pounds a week to sit on the bench and drink H2O is ridiculous. Frankly, the man has done more work behind the scenes than any other Chelsea player in history. 

In conclusion, these five players show friend and foe alike that no one shall mess with Chelsea FC, especially when it comes to transfers. The records broken by these players are a testament to our brutal knowledge, strength and integrity as a football club. 

Edited by: Dan

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